8/28/12

7 Years Away


Today marks 7 years that we've been without our son Colin. Sometimes I think back to those years of hospitals and chemotherapy and I want it back. Back when I was the mom sitting in the stale, white hospital room watching my son go through things that I didn't even know existed, I would've never imagined my future self wishing for that back. But if it meant being back with Colin, and he being with us, I'd take it and part of me thinks he would too.

Even though that time was so dark in our lives, I don't feel it was. I remember us laughing and goofing off more than anything. We were the nutty family in the ward.The one with the kid who told the doctors, "Get away from me with that thing" and "Give me a hershey bar" when a procedure was being done.

There are so many things that help me to still "see" him in this world. Things like the underdogs, the people who suffer or are handicapped. They are not invisible to me, ever, because Colin showed me how important and special those people are.  Please be kind to them and talk to them.

I feel him when I'm becoming materialistic and selfish. He was neither of those and the thought of his actions while he was alive, and how amazing they were for a 10 year old kid, humbles me. You know, one of the things he was adamant about the weeks before he died, as he became more ill, was that I don't go to the store and buy more food until we used what we had. I had and still have no idea where that came from and he was SO insistent about it. 

He said many things to us those weeks before he passed that were not normal things for a young boy to say. They were very, very wise words that still bring me to tears and awe whenever I recall them. I remember that when he spoke them, Rich and I would look at each other with wide eyes, both feeling that something else was at work there.

I don't know if you believe in God, but the things Colin said proved to me there was one. Not only that, but He was there with Colin. That is one thing I'm very sure of. Someday, if I can ever write the words without becoming a wreck, I will tell you all about it.

This would've been his senior year of highschool. He would be turning 18 in a few months and leaving home next spring. My time raising him and teaching him how to be a good person and live life would be over.

I don't know what heaven is, but I don't think it's fluttery angels flying around playing harps. I hope that part of it involves somehow being with your family, the ones you love that are left her on earth.

That sounds like heaven to me.

 
 
 
 
 


23 comments:

Diane Nolan said...

I woke up thinking of Colin today. It's hard to believe he would be starting his senior year. I wonder what he would be like now and how tall he would be. I'm sure he would still have his quirky little sense of humor and make all his friends laugh a lot. We still miss him so much. Love and hugs to you all today.

TFieri said...

Love

Linda Bukachek said...

What a beautiful remembrance. I feel so privileged to have had the opportunity to meet Colin. Such a blessing he was to everyone around him. Thank you for sharing this very personal and emotional day with us. As you know, we share a similar loss. Benjamin would have been 19. Sending you and Rich a big hug today and everyday.
Linda

Amanda said...

Thinking of you and your family today! I will hold you in my prayers.

Denise Z said...

(((HUGS))) Tanya. I still remember that day...on 2 Peas we were lighting candles across the country--and around the world--for Colin. As the sun set that night, Peas were posting about the most beautiful sunsets they were seeing; and when it set here on the West Coast, it was spectacular--it was like a sign that Colin was safe in Heaven.

I'll be lighting a candle for Colin today...and watching the sunset tonight, thinking of your sweet boy. He's touched more lives and hearts than you'll ever know!

Anna said...

Tanya,
It seems amazing that so much time has passed since Colin left this life. I wish we could have seen the beautiful, fun young man he would have become. Thanks for sharing your memories of him. I think that our family will always remember Colin as the brainy kid with the wild sense of humor and striking eyes.
Sending hugs and love to you and your family today.

Ann's Page said...

Prayers for you and your family~! I lost a son , he only lived a moment.I always wonder what he might have been. Blessing's

K said...

Wow! I found you via Pinterest and have been following your recipes ever since. I am so touched by your amazing story. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am wondering if you have ever heard of the Andrew McDonough Be Positive Foundation? Go to www.bepositive.org to read the story and see more about this amazing charity that is helping fund research to fight childhood Cancers. It was started by a dear friend of my husband's who lost his son to leukemia at age 14. He would love to hear your story.

Cheri said...

Sending our love and prayers. I will be lighting our Colin candle that was was burning in our window 7 years ago. (((hugs)))

Nonny K said...

To lose a family member to cancer is indescribable.....We lost my father in law this last year and my nephew five years ago.

Your son seemed like a joy. It is amazing how God works through children to leave precious nuggets to carry us through.

Thank you for sharing.....


Prairie Patch Quilts said...

Your story is amazing. I like your thoughts on heaven. Sorry for your pain. Thankful you have memories to cherish.

Tim Kief said...

Peace be with you.

debio said...

I can't believe it has been that long. You tell his love and legacy well. You can expect big hugs from me tomorrow! Love you bunches.

scrappymo! said...

Hugs to you and your family.

Teresa said...

Sending our love.

Lucy Beliveau said...

Your words pass on strength to those of us who are going through difficult times. A lucky boy, Colin was, to have a dear Mother like you. May peace and comfort be yours today and always.

Mika said...

<3

Diane said...

It was a privilege to read your column about your son. My heart hurts for your pain. My eyes welled up with tears as I read it. It amazes me how what we would be willing to go through to get just a few more minutes of time with our loved ones, especially when it was such a painful & scary time. Godspeed Colin & God Bless you all.

HD said...

*hug*
You're an amazing mom. Colin was so lucky to have you.

Debra said...

Thinking of you! I'm sure you've heard this Taylor Swift song but it made me think of you & Colin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvN7BOAQn9I

Hugs!

Sandra D said...

Thank for sharing your memories. God Bless you!

Lana said...

I just stumbled upon this reading while looking for something else. I think it was Colin who lead me here. I believe in that kind of God. The tears on my face are for you, dear. Your son is my teacher today.

A retired First Grade teacher...

Anonymous said...

I also randomly stumbled on this post. Although we’ve never met, the thought of your precious son caused me to stop and reflect exactly at a moment I needed to be reminded of what is truly important in life. I’m going through my own illness and the thought of Colin makes me want to fight even harder.
Thank you…