This revelation finally hit me this week.
This winter has been a very hard one for me. I have spent a good half of it completely down in the dumps. Depressed. Sad. regretful. Angry. Unsure. Restless.
Hiding in the bathroom to cry.
(It wasn't hard for me to pose for this picture. It's how I have looked for the last few months)
My prayers had no meaning or hope. All of the pieces for happiness were there! My beautiful sons, my husband who is such a good man. Good jobs. Financial stability. A home. Friends. Health.
And I think that because I have all of these things I was ashamed of feeling so down. I really felt selfish and undeserving. God had blessed me and what did I do with it? Nothing. Nothing at all.
I, for myself, don't believe in putting medicine in my body to feel better. It's just a bandaid to cover up the cut. I wanted to truly feel good, not have a pill to do it for me.
I know my family looks to me to set the mood in our home. I'm the silly one and usually the one who comes up with what we should do together for fun. How sad that I had 3 people looking to me for that and I didn't provide it for them.
Earlier this week I yelled out to Henry in the other room, "LOVE YOU HENRY!"
and he yelled back in his adorable toddler voice, "LOVE YOU MOMMA!"
My heart just melted.
I noticed that my negativity was wearing off on Sam. He would come home from school crabby and full of anger, down in the dumps.
Just the other night I went into Henry's room to get his bed ready for bedtime. Sam was hiding under the covers to scare me. I was genuinely scared and yelled out, and the two of us laughed so hard we couldn't stop. I had to attack him back and he laughed harder than I've heard him laugh in weeks. God that felt so GOOD to hear!
I came home from work yesterday to flowers from Rich with a card that just said, "I love you and miss you". He is traveling, but I took the card to mean a little more. "I miss my happy wife". Maybe he didn't even mean it that way, but the message still was there for me. I know his mood often plays off of mine as well. He has to miss being happy, too.
And all of those things and all of that GOODNESS just opened my eyes to the fact that I was choosing to be unhappy! I really was. Maybe it's the weather or the lack of sun. I don't know. I do know that I will only live here once, with these amazing people in my life ONCE, and I will not throw that away. I won't be that old woman laying in the nursing home wishing with all her heart she could have a do-over.
I choose happiness and today my heart is full of it. Just in time for Valentine's Day.
**please note that I do NOT look down upon people who take depression medications or think they should stop taking them. I simply know that for ME they are not the right choice. I fully realize that some people have levels of depression that they can't simply choose to snap out of and medications can do wonders for them!