1/19/10

Laundry Piles of Life



These days I do a lot of my deep thinking over my piles of laundry. As I fold each family member's article of clothing, making each their own neat little pile, I think about them: their mood for the day, the things they did today to make me mad or glad, I wonder why they don't unfold their socks before they throw them in the wash...

After Colin died, I remember folding the first load of laundry that had his clothes in it. It's hard to describe that final, empty feeling of pulling his shirt out of the laundry basket knowing he would never again wear it. I would inhale deeply over the shirt, begging for a hint of his odor, then scold myself for washing it in the first place because that took the last hint of him away. I would picture him in the shirt, saying to myself that I'd do just about anything to go back in time and see him in it again. I'd ask myself what I could've done differently knowing now it was too late to matter.

Eventually the loads of laundry contained none of his clothes. I think the feeling that that left me with was even more haunting. It slammed me with the truth that he really was gone, no longer wearing daily clothes to dirty so I could launder them. Who could imagine that even the laundry could feel lonely? Instead of 4 piles of clothing, now there were 3.

So yesterday I was folding a mountain of laundry that mostly contained Henry's little sleepers and onesies. I was laughing as I thought of all the body fluids that come out of a human so tiny. I don't think I've ever been so happy doing the laundry. I had 4 piles again...blessings are taken from you, blessings are given to you.

Henry will never "replace" Colin (Lord knows, I'd give anything to have 5 piles). However, Henry has helped to heal me a little in a special way. He has awakened a part of me that I had shoved away to protect from being hurt again. He's made laundry fun again. And to think, he's done all this before he can even utter a word.

21 comments:

Maria said...

My hubs likes doing laundry:) I got lucky! I don't mind helping though!

Twisted Chicken said...

You are an incredible woman!

Sarah said...

Such a beautiful post....love your little laundry piles.

Valerie said...

Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts and in such a beautiful way! Congrats on your newest family member.

^..^Corgidogmama said...

What a sweet, insightful and feeling post Tanya. We're glad that you have 4 piles again too...wish it could be 5...Henry is truly a gift for you and your family.

Darla said...

that is beautiful! laundry is proof that someone is with us...i will certainly be looking at my laundry different these days.

Kara@ Creations by Kara said...

What a beautiful and touching post. I am so happy that you have that new little sweet spirit in your home. Babies are such a blessing!

Carmen said...

This is a beautiful and touching post. I'm so happy for you. Babies are such a blessing.

Rebekah said...

so brave! i love all your stories!!!

Restyled Home said...

That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I am so happy for your "piles" and happy to hear that little parts of you are slowly healing. Colin is safely tucked away in your heart, ever with you, and making room for little Henry. Your boys are blessed.

You are such a beautiful person...
(((Hugs)))
Linda

Emily@notionsonnesting.com said...

This makes me look at my laundry differently. Thank You!

one of nettie's girls said...

Beautifully stated.

Tarah said...

Beautiful. With 3 boys (2,4 & 6) I love checking their pockets. You never know what sort of treasure you will find and what that rock, stick, car, ball, etc. meant to them at the time. Children are such a blessing and I love reading as you share yours with us!

Linda said...

So sweetly stated...in grief there is hope. God has blessed Henry with a wonderful, incredible mommy.

Katrina said...

What a great post, Tanya!

Amanda said...

Great post! I loved reading it. I have always hated folding laundry but maybe after your post I wont. What a great way to look at it!

Colleen said...

I am SO touched by this post. I love cleaning my house but the only "chore" I don't care for is laundry. A few weeks ago I bought a set of the Kenmore Elite on pedestals in the gorgeous Chai green right before that color was discontinued. Everyone said Oh I bet you love doing laundry now. My reply was there is no washer/dryer out there that could ever make me enjoy doing laundry. Your post makes me look at it so differently and I don't think I will dislike it so much anymore.

I wish you had five piles too! I am missing one pile myself. :(

Millie said...

You are so beautiful Tanya, inside & out. Baby Henry is truly a precious little bundle being able to put a smile on his Mama's face again.
Millie ^_^

Anonymous said...

God Bless you sweetie and your family! I like your "transparency" with your feelings. So thankful God has blessed you with little Henry too. He's adorable.

Wanda

comfycook said...

You brought forward your deepest feeling through your laundry. To find either sadness or joy is a new concept for me. I have grown from reading this and I thank you.

Christa said...

I just found your blog, blog-hopping.... and I love it!!! You are an inspiration to all of us!! I'm almost in tears reading that you've lost one, yet happy for you to have your new baby. It's funny how much I can feel for someone I don't know. You tell this so beautifully, and I too will appreciate my piles a little more. We have been so blessed and I need to recognize it as such more than I do. Thanks for your example. I hope you get to see your son again someday.... I couldn't imagine losing a child.... you must have done a wonderful job with him in the short time you had. Thank you for your thoughts.