2/19/09

Birthday Boy


Today he would've been 14 years old. I see all of his old classmates at school and realize that they really are a world away from me now. They have grown so much, in height and maturity. They are reaching puberty and have boyfriends and girlfriends and even facial hair. They just are not the kids I used to identify with Colin in the past. I used to look at them with sadness because they reminded me of what he was SUPPOSED to become, to experience, to change into. Now they seem distant and unrelated to him.

And really, that is what makes me feel the deepest pain. I want to look at them and feel a connection, to know that they think of him and remember that I'm his mom. Even if that means feeling sad. I want them to stay those little kids that loved him so much and made him cards and visited with him because maybe if they didn't change so much, he is somehow closer to me?


But that time in life is gone, and it's just another thing that makes him feel so far away from me. It's like reaching for something in the dark, but you know that you just will never find it. You know it's there, you know he's there, SOMEWHERE he HAS to be somewhere, but you have no way of finding him until someday when the light is turned back on and it's all revealed to us.

Today, if still here with us, I'd make him his favorite chocolate cake, FULL of frosting. I have so many pictures of him eating chocolate cake! Everyone else is looking at the camera ready to smile, he's looking at the cake, ready to eat. He'd probably want to play bingo for prizes, and I'd cheat so he wins more than anyone else, because it'd be the one area in life where he could be the winner. He'd be happy. It really never took much to make him happy. He never asked for much more than a Hershey bar and someone to listen to his crazy jokes.


The world has gone on, even though he has left it. It makes me feel so lonely for him. Such a dismal, heart-breaking feeling. All I want now is to make sure that no one forgets him. I could celebrate his birthday today with his favorite red balloons and his favorite chocolate cake, but I cannot celebrate a birthday without a birthday boy. No, instead I will light my Colin candle and hope that you do too. Because at least the light of that candle will remind you of him, and then you will be thinking of him. That's all I can do for him now. Keep his memory fresh in our minds and generate hope in my own heart that someday we'll celebrate together again.

If you want to help me commemorate Colin and honor his memory, please light a candle today in his honor. I always light one in a jar at his gravesite also. I like to think of the world lit up for him and think that maybe somehow he can see it. Also, these are two amazing and wonderful foundations that brought him great joy when he was ill. If you ever want to donate to a good cause, these are the very best:
Children's Miracle Network or Make-A-Wish. If you are able to make a donation, no matter how big or small, please somehow note with it that it's in Colin's memory. This is a gift he would have absolutely loved.

Whether you knew him or not, whether you donate, or light a little candle in his honor, the most important thing is that you think of him....because if anyone ever deserved to be remembered, he does.

92 comments:

purplecat said...

This was so moving to read, I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I will think of him
Bless you xx

Kimberlee said...

Darling - I'm visiting via Laurel hedge link and I'm struck immediately - I don't know what happened but you have obviously lost someone more special than anyone will know xx

Cheryl888 said...

I will light a candle when I get home from work this afternoon. God bless you, Colin, and your family.

Jess said...

thinking of you...and your precious colin...I too light a candle everyday to cherish the ones no longer with us....the warm glow calms me a bit...thank you for sharing your heart with us bloggers, you have a wonderful way with expressing your thoughts. -jess

Mom said...

Colin, a candle is glowing in my home for you today! I bet your as proud of your Mom as Granny is for her strength,love and courage she had and still does.
Tanya your way with words and the way you express them fill me with pride. You I believe are blessed with some of Grandma Lawvers way with words. Love and prayers go out to you and your family today!

one of nettie's girls said...

One of the most beautiful things I have ever read. What a loving tribute. That you can make people like me, who never knew Colin, shed tears is a testament to your great love for him and your great gift for writing. I will light a candle for him.

Lori said...

What a beautiful post♥
I will light a candle for Colin♥

KraftyKerilou said...

Hi Tanya. Thanks for sharing this day with me, and also how you are feeling with me. You put it into words wonderfully. I already lit my candle, and it smells like Birthday Cake, so it is very fitting for the occasion. Colin is being thought of today, you don't have to doubt that!
Bless you and your family!
Kerilou

Jaime said...

Colin sounds like such an amazing boy. I will be honored to light a candle in his memory.

Blueberry Heart said...

I too will be lighting a candle this evening.
xx

Cathy said...

{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}

Cathy

Glamorous Life of a House Wife said...

What a precious post.

Cherry said...

what a beautiful post... i'll light a candle in his honor today and say a prayer for all the families that have lost precious loved ones...

Foodie with Little Thyme! said...

WOW! I will light a candle for your sweet boy!

ClassyChassy said...

Truly a heart-felt post. **hugs**

restyled home said...

Oh Tanya, my heart goes out to you. I have told you before how much your story and sweet little Colin struck a chord within me. I think of both you and him often, and I will most definitely light a candle in his memory today. Your analogy of reaching out in the darkness moved me so much, as I think every parent who has lost a child must feel this way.

Wrap yourself in as many hugs as you can today, and know that your little boy is so proud of his mum.

Take care,
Linda

Treina said...

Dear Tanya
My children and I have lit a candle for COlin in England, UK. He is definitely being remembered.
With love
X

Brenda said...

You bet I will be lighting a candle in colins honor this evening! We were blessed with a Make-a-wish dream 3 years ago through my son and his great doctors. It is a great thing. I encourage you to make that chocolate cake for Colins memory, or better yet, get a group of simple red balloons and make a little note attached to each on saying "for you, in memory of my Colin" and ask the nurses at a childrens hospital to pass one to each child on a floor. I can reassure you that that little thing can make a day of a child stuck in a room watching cartoons all day. I love this post. It is filled with honesty and true feelings. I can feel your love of your son through it. Happy Birthday Colin!

Joan said...

Hi I'm Joan and I am near San Antonio Texas. I just wanted to let you know I have four candles burning in my home right now and they are all for Colin. I will be thinking of you both all day.
God Bless You and your sweet family.

roy/elisabeth dean said...

Oh Tanya! I bought a new candle a couple of months ago and have never lit it....just wanted a really special occasion. This beautiful candle will now be my Colin candle and I am going to go light it NOW! Roy will be very excited when he wakes up because it's CHOCOLATE SCENTED!!!
Happy Birthday Colin!
♥ Lilly

Debbie said...

Thank you Tanya for keeping Colin's special memory with us. I've already got my candle burning for Colin and I'll keep the candle burning all day and evening for him.

May you feel a special closeness as you think of him through the day.

I'll be sharing his candle on my blog in a little while.

Blessings - Debbie

Erin, Nick and Merrick said...

You touch my heart.
Always in our thoughts.

Estee said...

Tanya, this was so beautifully written. I just lit a candle for your sweet boy. I will be thinking of you both today.

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

Just . . . blessings and strength to you and yours.

And thank you for the reminder to cherish our kids.

Meg said...

I assure you that he is with you in your heart...it is evident in this post! My thought are with you all on this day and always.

I will light a candle in Colin's honor today!

Culinarywannabe said...

Big hug to you. Of course we will light a candle for your precious boy. God bless.

Jen Sue Wild said...

How beautifully written.
My heart is really with you right now. I do understand your pain and struggel. It is so hard to see the world move on while part of our world is stuck in time.
Oh and the grife of rembering a birthday instead of celebrating it is so heart breaking.

I will light a candel for Colin today, and if you want me to email the pic to you I will.

Happy birthday sweet Colin.

Shea said...

May God bless you and your sweet little boy. I am lighting a candle for Colin.

^..^ Corgi Dog Mama said...

Tanya...I hope that writing these lovely words somehow brought all of Colin's essence back to you. I know, that by reading these lovely words, his essence was so visual, and real for me. A cinnamon candle is burning in the kitchen, for Colin, as soon as I press the publish button!
We feel honored to have shared in your memory, your pain, and your love for your firstborn.
Love ya~

The Barnharts said...

thank you for sharing this. I will light a candle and I posted about it on my blog so maybe more people will join in. I just started following your blog yesterday and I am so glad I did! you make me want to be a better mom.

linda said...

That brought tears to my eyes.. We will light a candle today for Colin..

Sue said...

Tanya...what a beautiful post in honor of your precious Colin...My thoughts are with him and you today....God Bless you...

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Colin. Your candle is lit today.
~Angie~

Lo said...

goodness. i will light more than one. tonight, my little condo will glow in his memory. he is not forgotten.

MorenaTejana said...

I will light a candle for him today. Happy birthday, Colin!!!

Iheartfashion said...

I think one of the hardest things about losing someone is the fear that other people will move on and forget them. Somehow keeping their memory alive with as many people possible makes death less final. What a beautifully expressed tribute to Colin. I'm thinking of you and your family.

Allison said...

Such a sweet post

Craft Tea Lady said...

I know the feeling... I really do. I lost my son (age 20) 9/23/06. His little brother turned 21 last week and it made me cry because he was the 'oldest' here now.

From this Momma to you, I am sorry for your loss.

CraftTeaLady(aka Gina)

www.xanga.com/crafttealady
www.crafttealady.etsy.com

Lisa said...

Prayers go out to you, Colin and the rest of your family. I hope he is smiling down at all the candles lit for him. I am lighting one right now.

writing4612 said...

I'm thinking of you. I know that you think you've lost him(and you did in the physical sense), but his memories still live on in your heart. No matter how much time passes, you'll never forget. Love never dies.

Yes, the world moves on. Even a smell might remind you of him. Just try to remember all of the good times you had with him.

JC said...

The light that was your son's life will always shine just because he was here on this earth for a little while. Look what that light is doing today.....bringing together unknown friends to honor a sweet memory. May God bless you and your family, dear heart.

Lynn said...

Tanya, what a heartfelt post...Sweet and tear provolking for sure ! I came here from my friend Ashley's blog "Forever and Always" She posted about the loss of your son.

I just got a nice new candle in a giveaway. I will light it in my kitchen while I'm making meatballs tonight after work.

God bless you all and my thoughts and prayers are with you !

Mrs. McB said...

God Bless your story and your sharing of strength! Happy birthday Colin!

Amy said...

Lighting a candle for Colin right now! God bless!

Jean said...

I will NEVER forget Colin and I will be sure to light his candle when I get home tonight.

Biggest of hugs to you, my friend, and happy birthday to Colin.

SUGAMAMA'S CAFE' said...

A Candle and Chcolate Cake, That is what my Birthday will hold tonight w/ my family, honoring your Colin.. Know that your heart is in our minds and a soft whispered prayer in your ear for comfort and sweet reflection...
Peace ~M~

Catherine said...

This is so beautifully and honestly written...my heart feels for you. I will light a candle with my boys tonight for Colin.

Mary said...

God bless you and your family. You have a beautiful heart and I'm sure Colin is looking down on your from heaven and smiling at his wonderful mother.

Cyndi said...

What a beautiful tribute to sweet Colin. My candle is lit and I will be thinking of you and remembering him all day.

Kara said...

Thanks for such a heartfelt and touching post. I think of Colin every time I visit your blog. Someday you will see your sweet boy again and what a happy reunion that will be.

My candle is lit.

Brittany said...

Thinking of your Colin today. I'll never look at chocolate cake the same way again.

Happy Birthday Colin!

Toni Alexis Ebersole said...

Our candle is lit for your baby today. Your family is in my prayers today. Hugs!!

Lisa said...

I just lit a candle for Colin. You are such a bright light that shines on for him.

Amanda@Imperfectly Beautiful said...

Tanya,
I think of your sweet Colin often...and will especially today. His memory is alive in so many of us who follow your story. Thank you for your beautiful words and for sharing them with us! I'm off to light a candle or 2 or 10.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLIN!

Tammy said...

I've never experienced a loss like yours, but as a mother I can only begin to imagine the depth of your pain. You remind me to cherish EACH moment with my family. Thank you. I pray you're surrounded by God's comfort and the love and support of friends and family.

Jedi Sue said...

((Tanya))

Happy Birthday to a very special boy. And great, big hugs to his family.

The 6-S Ranch said...

I'm lighting my candle right now!

love labs said...

Tanya, I "knew" Colin from your posts and pictures on 2Peas and he touched my heart more than you'll ever know. Rest assured that he will not be forgotten.

I have a "Birthday Cake" scented candle that I've been saving for a special occassion--I think today is the day! I am honored to celebrate Colin's birthday with you.

Devon said...

That was a beautiful post. I will be lighting a candle tonight for him.

Katrina said...

Many thoughts and prayers to you today! You WILL be with him again.

Tanya said...

I'm truly touched by your kind comments. I am picturing those candles lit around the world and it makes me smile for him. Thank you, thank you.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to let You know that Colin was in my thoughts all day. I lit a vanilla candle in his honor. A sweet warm glow, as Im sure that is what Colin is. I have a just turned 14 year old, I told him I loved him...He said, "whats wrong"? I have a son that is also in heaven. Hard to believe he would have turned 18 years old on Christmas day. I know that there will be a time that We will be with them again. Fran in Utah

Cheri said...

Happy birthday Colin!
As I do everytime I think of him, which is often, I have my candle lit for him.
For the life of me I could not figure out at work today why Colin kept popping into my head. Now I know! Life works in mysterious ways.
I love you all!
~Cheri

~Mommy+Me~ said...

God Bless You & your family, you are so strong to be able to write about this. Happy Birthday to Colin! Even though it's hard to hear sometimes I'm sure, he IS in a BETTER place!
I will light a candle tonight in his honor!
Thanks for sharing your blog with us!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Colin!
I frequent your blog quite often, and just happened to stop by today and couldnt pass it up! I lit a acandle in memory of Colin! You are such a strong person!
May you continue being strong and thinkin good memories of Colin evryday!
Bless You!

bodaat said...

I am sure he is eating lots of your chocolate cake in heaven sweet Tanya. I will light a candle for him too tonight.

Xtend Workout said...

So touching, thank you for sharing. I have light a candle and will keep Colin in my prayers. Bless you and your family. xx

Tami Casper said...

Thinking of Colin....and you today.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

darla said...

i'm lighting a candle for Colin tonite... i made cupcakes today and was going to make a party setting just for the heck of it, i had no idea it was his birthday. maybe i knew. i knew my kids would think i was crazy because why would i make a birthday out of the blue? well, you know what? we celebrated Colin today. And you know what he represents? not taking a day for granted with those we love, i thank him for that. i'm going to light my candle now.

Kami @ Home of 5 said...

I was thinking of you today for no apparent reason and came here. Now I know why. Thank you for posting this. It made me smile and cry and that's hard to come by these days.

My heart goes out to you. What a precious boy.

Shirley said...

I can hardly write this with the tears blurring my vision. Oh, how my heart goes out to you. Yes, I'm thinking of Colin for you and praying for you and all the love and the hurt and the loss that just never completely goes away. God bless you and comfort you, Tanya.

Meg said...

It has been snowy and cloudy all day here in Alberta, Canada. I was thinking of you and your son on my late drive home this evening - reminding myself to light a candle in his memory - when the sky literally opened up and the Northern Lights dazzled above me. Seems that Colin is at work lighting his own candle - and letting you know that he is safe and at peace.

Sherrie said...

Tanya
I remember following Colin's journey with you years ago. My heart breaks for you losing this little boy you loved so much. I will be lighting a candle tonight for Colin and keeping you and Rich and Sam in my prayers. God bless!

Anonymous said...

I will light a candle today in Colin's honor. Your post was heartbreaking and beautiful.

My son's school (in Nashville) raised $10,000 in 1 day recently for Make-A-Wish. I was proud of them then, but I'm even more proud now.

Jill

MorenaTejana said...

I lit a candle for him yesterday!

Sharon~heartsongs said...

Thank you for writing this blog. I cannot relate to how you feel but reading your blog gives me a glimpse of understanding of your loss. I will be thinking of you and praying for your family.
With love,
Sharon

Anonymous said...

I'm a day late, but I'll be lighting a candle for your Colin tonight.

Signed,
A Pea

PS: When all the peas lit candles for Colin, I had mine lit in my kitchen. I stood there and looked outside and there was an amazing sunset (so not typical for our area). I grabbed my camera and took a pic. Every time I look at that photo (which I have framed in my living room) I think of your dear son. So please know, people across the world have not forgotten. <3

FlipFlop Mom said...

I'm so sorry I'm late...
But I will light a candle for your little sweetie tonight!!!

You know.. I'm POSITIVE those children still look at you and KNOW who you are and remember Colin.. I have no doubt.. How could they forget someone as sweet and loving as you.. and as fun and loving as Colin was!!

Stephenie said...

My heart goes out to you. What a beautiful post. I have tears in my eye's I can't even imagine what you're going through, but know you are in my prayers.
Stephenie

Becca Watson said...

♥Hugs♥ Thank you for sharing Colin with us! My heart goes out for you!

please stop by my blog and pick up the award I have for you!

mattie said...

Your post was beautifully written. You have a gift with words. I bet Colin has never had so many candles lit in his honor and from so many places. You have so many friends through your blog.God Bless You.

Millie said...

Darling sweet Tanya - I'm going to light candles for your beautiful boy tonight just before our special dinner. So from across the Pacific I send the warmest of hugs to you.
Millie ^_^

DD said...

Tanya,
Just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about Colin a lot. In fact, his birthday is the same day as my sister's birthday, so I promise to light a candle for him every year! Your story is so moving. Hang in there, and know that Colin being thought about by many people.

kim j said...

I will light a candle tonight for your sweet son and mine. Maybe they are enjoying his day together. You never know.

My heart goes out to you, I would never say I know your pain and loss, but i sure know mine so if its anything comparable I know how painful it is.

I understand what you mean about the children/friends his age. I go through everyday looking at my son's twin brother and not one day goes by that I don't think of what he would be doing and why lord am I not picking up both boys after school or making two lunches or well you understand.

I will hold your sons memory close to my heart. I will pray it will somehow get easier for both of us.

kim j said...

i messed up my link sorry

Chris said...

My candle is lit, Tanya. And so you know, I think about Colin and your story often--even without the reminder of his birthday. He is thought of, and so are you.

The Peterson family said...

oh, thank you so much for sharing such a precious post. I cannot even imagine what is has taken to get to the point where you are today. I send love from one momma to another.

Mammatalk said...

Heartbreaking. But, look at all these comments. So many lives touched...

luanne said...

Tonya, You don't know me, but I think about you and your son a lot. I am sorry you are hurting. Your last post was really touching.
Luanne

Heather ~Pretty Petals said...

Tanya, I am thinking of you and your sweet boy... blessings to you and your family. ♥ Heather

Colleen said...

I understand how bittersweet birthdays are when you are missing a child. Melissa's birthday is the hardest day of the year for me. I am thinking of you.

Carol said...

He's watching you, and waiting for you. Always. xoxoxox