Today he would've been 14 years old. I see all of his old classmates at school and realize that they really are a world away from me now. They have grown so much, in height and maturity. They are reaching puberty and have boyfriends and girlfriends and even facial hair. They just are not the kids I used to identify with Colin in the past. I used to look at them with sadness because they reminded me of what he was SUPPOSED to become, to experience, to change into. Now they seem distant and unrelated to him.
And really, that is what makes me feel the deepest pain. I want to look at them and feel a connection, to know that they think of him and remember that I'm his mom. Even if that means feeling sad. I want them to stay those little kids that loved him so much and made him cards and visited with him because maybe if they didn't change so much, he is somehow closer to me?
But that time in life is gone, and it's just another thing that makes him feel so far away from me. It's like reaching for something in the dark, but you know that you just will never find it. You know it's there, you know he's there, SOMEWHERE he HAS to be somewhere, but you have no way of finding him until someday when the light is turned back on and it's all revealed to us.
Today, if still here with us, I'd make him his favorite chocolate cake, FULL of frosting. I have so many pictures of him eating chocolate cake! Everyone else is looking at the camera ready to smile, he's looking at the cake, ready to eat. He'd probably want to play bingo for prizes, and I'd cheat so he wins more than anyone else, because it'd be the one area in life where he could be the winner. He'd be happy. It really never took much to make him happy. He never asked for much more than a Hershey bar and someone to listen to his crazy jokes.
The world has gone on, even though he has left it. It makes me feel so lonely for him. Such a dismal, heart-breaking feeling. All I want now is to make sure that no one forgets him. I could celebrate his birthday today with his favorite red balloons and his favorite chocolate cake, but I cannot celebrate a birthday without a birthday boy. No, instead I will light my Colin candle and hope that you do too. Because at least the light of that candle will remind you of him, and then you will be thinking of him. That's all I can do for him now. Keep his memory fresh in our minds and generate hope in my own heart that someday we'll celebrate together again.
If you want to help me commemorate Colin and honor his memory, please light a candle today in his honor. I always light one in a jar at his gravesite also. I like to think of the world lit up for him and think that maybe somehow he can see it. Also, these are two amazing and wonderful foundations that brought him great joy when he was ill. If you ever want to donate to a good cause, these are the very best: Children's Miracle Network or Make-A-Wish. If you are able to make a donation, no matter how big or small, please somehow note with it that it's in Colin's memory. This is a gift he would have absolutely loved.
Whether you knew him or not, whether you donate, or light a little candle in his honor, the most important thing is that you think of him....because if anyone ever deserved to be remembered, he does.